


We were so young, not so long ago

by CarmelMilk



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, For the most part at least, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Zoe and Connor are children for the first bit, Zoe-centric, aren't children sweet, but it does change everyhing, just a little bit, the POV switches around just a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 15:33:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14311797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarmelMilk/pseuds/CarmelMilk
Summary: Zoe and Connor have an important conversation as children.(inspired by mushie r.'s April Fool's video this year, you should go watch it on YouTube)





	We were so young, not so long ago

**Author's Note:**

> link to the video ---> https://youtu.be/o2YmL7In13U   
> (watch it, it's really good)

 

        “… But Mr. Pickles! We need the money nooooow!”

        “I can’t give you any right now, finish your work first!”

        “… Fine.”

 

        Zoe watched as Narrie sulked back to her job as an accountant, the first episode was really pretty bad. Zoe knew that Connor, for some reason, liked _Narrie’s Day_ but she couldn’t ever get why, it was soooo boring, and really sad.

        Speaking of her older brother, Connor seemed upset today. Well, he was fine this morning, but after her naptime (It was so unfair, Connor didn’t get naptime, why should she?) he was all sulky and wouldn’t let her have her turn at TV time. She glanced over at him on the couch next to her (At least he would let her have some of the couch), even with his favorite show on he was deeply frowning and didn’t seem happy at all. He saw her looking at him and somehow frowned a little deeper, “What is it?”.  She looked thoughtfully at him for a second, “What happened during naptime?”, he looked away from her and completely angled his body away from her before replying, “Nothing. Nothing happened.”. 

        She was almost ready to let the subject drop like her mother had told her to do many times when Dad walked through the living room. He glanced at Connor and grimaced. Connor tensed up and half-way casted a glance over his shoulder, just enough so he wouldn’t have to actually look at the man he called his father. Their dad sighed and continued on into the hallway. Zoe was a bit confused throughout the interaction, her brother and dad didn’t have the best relationship but it wasn’t normally this bad. What had happened during naptime?

        …She was going to try something, it was definitely a bad idea… “Connor” no response “Coonnooor” silence “Cooooooonnnnnnoooooooooor” He sighed and closed his eyes “Connor, Connor, Cooonnnnooor” his eyebrows raised to his bangs,

 

        “What.”.

 

        “What happened during naptime? And don’t say nothing happened, I’m only a year younger than you, I’m not stupid.”. Connor slowly turned to face her, he wasn’t frowning so much anymore but his mouth kept twitching into a grimace. He opened his mouth…closed it…put the back of his hand over it…lifted it off, he looked over both his shoulders quickly, eyes afraid. He leaned in close to her and whispered, “Go to the upstairs bathroom, I’ll be there in a minute.”. She furrowed her eyebrows and frowned, “The upst-“, “Shhhhhhhh… just go.”.

        She hesitated for a moment, what was going on? What would require such secrecy? Still, she stood up and hurried over to the stairs, “I gotta go, you don’t have to pause it for me, I don’t care.”, then she went upstairs and into the second largest bathroom in the entire house, the largest being in the master bedroom, and waited. She counted the diamond-shaped tiles on the floor, she tried to pronounce all the different medicines in the medicine cabinet (That didn’t go very well, they had strange names), still, it felt like forever before Connor appeared in the door.

        “Connor, what took so long?”, she stayed in place, wanting the answers to so many questions, even though so many questions would be left unanswered even after this little secret meeting. Connor stepped all the way inside, carefully making sure the door was locked behind him, before answering her, “Had to make sure they didn’t notice, if Dad found out… he’d get really upset.” He frowned. They stood in silence for a bit, Connor making sure to look everywhere but at her, before Zoe broke the silence, “So, what happened?...”. Connor still didn’t look her in the eye, “Well… Well, um, Zoe… I, uh, told, I told Mom and Dad… that I, that I…” He trailed off into silence for a moment, his hands were buried deep in his pockets, before picking up a different train of thought, “Zoe, do you know, do you know what a…” he went almost silent and his voice wobbled just a bit, “a homosexual, um, gay is?”.

        Zoe quietly contemplated this, did she know what a homosexual, or gay, was? She knows she’d heard those words before, the only particular instance being when her parents gossiped about the neighbors, still, what was it? What stuck out about those neighbors? She knew they were two women and a girl about her age, she saw her at school sometimes. Still, they seemed normal enough, just another set of neighbors, what was different?...

        “You don’t know, do you?” Connor’s voice brought her back out of her thinking train (Connor’s words). She focused back on him, he seemed really nervous, very super nervous. She wanted to help… She approached him for a hug, making sure to make her intentions obvious because sometimes Connor got angry if he didn’t know what she was doing. He didn’t back away, but didn’t open up to her either. Once she reached him, she wrapped her arms firmly around him, not tightly, but trying to be comforting, “No, no, I don’t.” She had a sudden, frightening thought, “You’re not sick, are you? You’re not going to die?”, Connor was silent for a moment before his shoulders started shaking, “Ha… he… hahahahaheehehahaha”, his laughter sounded somewhat sad but it was better than before, or, at least, it felt like that to Zoe.

        “haha…I… I g-guess you-u could, could say t-t-that.” He slipped slowly out her grip, not rejecting her, just done with the hug. Zoe kept a hand on his shoulder, just in case. Connor finally looked her in the eyes, and actually talked to her, “Well… um, uh, this feels weird, like I’m a teacher or something, a homosexual, or a, uh, gay person, is someone who likes someone of the same gender, like a girl who likes a girl or a boy who likes a boy.” Zoe contemplated this quickly, “Well, I like Alana, am I a homosexual?”, Connor grinned, “Nope. It’s only if you love them.”, “But I do love Alana!” Zoe protested. “No, no, romantic love, like getting married and kissing and thinking they’re the most beautiful person in the world.” Zoe frowned, but she did think all that with Alana… Connor seemed to know more, though…

        “So… are you a homosexual?”, Connor put on a strange face, half pride and half embarrassment, “Yes, yes I am.” Zoe pulled Connor back in for another hug, “I’m guessing Mom and Dad didn’t like that?”, Connor bit his lip, “Yep. It was mostly Dad though, and they didn’t really say it, but I could tell.”. Zoe frowned, “I’m sorry.”. Conner chuckled, “Why are _you_ sorry, you’ve been the nicest one so far.” Zoe heard the undertone his voice (Did people at school know?), but she didn’t question Connor anymore.

 

 

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

 

            _About a decade later…_

Zoe stared at the boy, Evan Hansen, at the end of the table, something about his story didn’t seem quite right. “Friends” was the word he used but… secret emails? No one ever even saw them together, either this was the product of a very elaborate attempt by her brother to have a boyfriend without their parents knowing, or he was lying.

 

            “…It felt like we could live like that for forever, two friends on a perfect day…”

           

            There it was again, “friends”, honestly Zoe didn’t think this kid was her brother’s type. He seemed a bit too jumpy, Connor would scare him out of his underwear by the first date, in probably both the metaphorical and literal way. Zoe just couldn’t quite figure this guy out, he seemed oddly familiar, had she ever seen them together normally? Had Connor ever said anything about him? Was a gut feeling proof enough?

 

            “…We, um, thought about riding the Appalachian Trail or writing a book or, maybe, learning to sail…”

 

            Could they possibly have known each other?... Could her brother even appreciate someone like Evan Hansen? Or maybe even love him? Zoe didn’t believe he could but… maybe he was getting better and she just hadn’t noticed because she was so caught up in all the bad things… Was, was Connor a better person when… when he killed himself? Had Connor accepted someone into the fragile state of his heart and then, let the world go?

            … Could she have… If she had… Was it possible to prevent Connor’s death? If she’d only listened to him, if she’d at least tried to talk to him, if she’d tried to connect **_in the most basic way, a teenage crush conversation? Could she have stopped him?_**

****

**** _Would the world be any better off if she had?..._

 

            “ _There was nothing that we couldn’t discuss, like **girls**_ , _we wish-“_

           

            “He’s lying.”

 

        Zoe stood up, pushing her chair back loudly and suddenly ending her internal thought train.“Connor was… he told me when we were little,” she smiled tearfully, “like it was some huge secret, meeting in the bathroom, treating it like a secret mission.” She took a deep breath, “Connor was… Connor was gay.”

        Evan’s face melted into a horrified and terrified frown, “I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I…” he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he, he should’ve said something from the very beginning, it was, it was, it was too late now. He was vaguely aware of the people running around him, yelling at him, their angry faces mocking him and everything he’d ever done.

        Before he could focus on what they were actually saying, he ran out, they were mad, they were reasonably mad, but they were so angry, what should Evan do? What could he do? How could he fix this?

        Evan didn’t even notice the car until it hit him.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh... Evan is dead now...
> 
>  
> 
> :)


End file.
